Episode 18 / Recent graduate Heather MacCallum
/by Roj Whitelock
London-based photographer and HSM Associate Member
A must-see for anyone looking to attend drama school or just starting out as an actor. Recent graduate Heather MacCallum talks about her experiences in drama school, the realities of life after graduation and the inspiration behind her 'Mum I Made It' blog.
Note: View on YouTube for captions.
"Because in that moment, I did feel like everyone was getting stuff and I felt like they were getting it so easy. They weren't, but that's how it felt. And it felt like everyone was getting all these auditions and having all these opportunities and being so active in the industry, and I wasn't. And they probably felt like that as well, and they probably also felt overwhelmed by things. Everyone does." Heather MacCallum
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Mum I Made It!
Right. So, I'm Heather. I'm 23. I'm from Northampton. I went to Guildford School of Acting in Guildford. Did three years there with a BA in acting. And then I stayed there living there for another year. And now I'm about to move to London, which is big and scary, but I'm excited to do that. So you asked me here today because I started a new Instagram account that I called 'Mum, I Made It’, which my mum is obsessed with. She loves that. And it's just basically, I kind of just wanted to share. I think the reason I started it was to understand why, to understand how I feel about everything and about how I feel about the industry and how I feel about going into everything and how I feel a year after graduating and what I've learned and what I've how I feel. And I'm not doing it to like, here's I'm the professional. Here's all my tips and tricks. I don't know anything. I did one recently that's like everyone's making it, like I'm making it up. I have no idea. I kind of am finding it so useful to explore rather than just say, "Oh yeah, I'm feeling this." Actually kind of dive into how I'm feeling about auditions and just acting in general and normal life. Like, this is my first year out of education. So I was like, how do you adapt to normal life? And it sounds like everyone does it. Everyone's kind of in normal life. So to other people maybe it sounds a bit silly, and to maybe people in my year it sounds a bit silly, but it's like all of a sudden something I found recently is all of a sudden you don't have something to strive for. Like you've always at drama school you've always got like a project or an end of term singing assessment. I never had a singing assessment, so I don't know why I said that. But you've always got a project, lines to learn, this class, this class, this director to work with, this is coming up, this is coming up. And this is the first time where you don't have that solid goal. Obviously, you've got goals for yourself to become more and to be better and to learn, but you don't have that thing that you're constantly learning anymore. You're not constantly, or not actively learning. You are learning, but you know you're not striving for anything, and that feels a bit strange to me. And then you also don't have half terms, which I miss. I miss the scheduled break of just knowing you have a week off is great. Yeah, I miss that.
Before And after Drama School
Oh, getting me to gossip. Okay, so when I was 18, I auditioned for all the BAs I could and then didn't get any recourse for anything. Didn't get anywhere, but got interest for foundations instead. Like, I didn't apply to them, but they were like, you'd be quite good for a foundation. So I did a six-month foundation at LAMDA in Hammersmith for a year. Fab. So intense. Six months, four days a week, like go, go, go. And it was quite a busy place. Everyone was like, go, go, go all the time. Really cool people around. Pictures of famous people. Bam, bam, bam. Did that, then applied again to drama schools for BAs. Did really well. Got great stuff back. Good feedback, good people. Got into GSA. Went to GSA and I was like, whoa, the difference is mad because the three years are so stretched out. I went from so intense, kind of crazy people talking about everything, right, to let's go back to the beginning and slow it down. And especially moving to Guildford, it's quieter. You're out the way a little bit more. You're in Surrey, it's like so much more kind of chill. And you're like, have I made a mistake? I kind of think I panicked for a little bit in my first couple of months because I was like, should I have done this? Should I have just gone straight into the industry? I was not ready for that. So I'm glad I didn't. Should I have picked this place? Should I have gone there? There was so much kind of going through my head. But I think it was definitely the best place for me to go. It did allow me to slow down a little bit and kind of breathe and get to know who I was and get to know people around me and figure out what I wanted and get to act all the time and get to work on voice and movement and work with these really cool teachers that I'd never have worked with or external directors. And then third year was fab. Loved third. Definitely my favourite. I loved the independence. I loved being able to email people. You're kind of in your own lane. You've got your own part for the first time. It's just yours. You're not sharing it with other people. And it's—you have this one thing. You're not going to this class, that class, this thing over here. Everyone's working on the show. Put it on. It's fab. You've got tech, you've got costume, you've got everything for the first time. It's like, wow. And we had to say, we had a crazy third-year show. Like, it was called Middletown and it was fabulous. I didn't feel that I did a good job in that, but I enjoyed it all the same and people loved it. So that's okay. That was just probably me being a bit too self-critical. Loved the independence, loved everything. Then we got to create our own scratch project. We got to create our own play or film or be a part of something. And I wanted to, so me and my friend made a movement film. So it's a 10-minute or 12-minute film purely through movement and physical theatre, but it's in a film, which I loved exploring. Really cool to choreograph and getting the music, getting people to get the music, and making something yourself. And then you're done. And then it's like there was no kind of, obviously you have graduation and grad ball, but the end of the actual kind of term, it was like, okay, now I'm done. Okay, great. Got an agent, fab, let's go. My flatmate, all my housemates moved out before me, I think. So I was in my house, a four-bed house on my own for three weeks. I was like, "Woo, okay, this is horrible." Because it's like everyone's leaving. You've got no one around you. I chose to stay in Guildford, not in the— I was moving, but I was like, "Everyone's gone, everyone's moving, everyone's doing exciting things, and I'm stuck in a house. I've got a weekend evening job." I woke up every day and was like, "What do I do?" Like, "What do— where do I go?" Like, there's only so much you can do where it's like, "Oh, I'll go for a walk." But like, there's only so much you can do before it gets a little bit, "I'm a little bit lonely now and I'm a little bit scared about the future." Then I moved in with a friend into a little flat. Beautiful. I got a job, worked at a cafe, then they offered me another job. Now I work on reception. I got to meet all of these very corporate people. I was all of a sudden this drama school kid meeting these business owners and really rich people and people that are starting businesses, and I'm there like, "Morning, how's your kids?" Like, all these people are walking in, coming to work, and I'm on there like, "Hey." And it's great. I do really enjoy it.
A Whirlwind And Then…
And then when I graduated with my agent, I don't know if this is a great thing or a bad thing. It's obviously an amazing thing, but my first audition I got from them was about three months into being with them. Those three months, I did panic because I was like, why am I not getting things? You're surrounded by people getting four auditions a week or an audition every day, and you're sitting there thinking, "Okay, well, I got an agent and I've got the ability. I've got the look. Everyone says I look great, so why am I not getting stuff?" So I got my first audition for an eBay ad. Didn't really know what it was supposed to really look like. Didn't know. I just got this fabric behind me that was crinkled and not very good. And all I had to do was stand in a queue three different ways. And I was like, "Okay, I'll just stand here and see what happens." Next day I got pencilled for it, and then I got it, and then I went to the fitting, and then a week later I filmed it. And it was a complete whirlwind and an absolute amazing experience. And I somehow ended up right at the front, and the camera can see me, and I got to stay with the main cast, and I got makeup people all over me, and I get all of this attention. And I come home and I did it, and then it's amazing. It comes out and everyone's texting me like, "I see you on telly," and I'm like, "Amazing, great. What now?" All of a sudden, it's, I got my first audition and I booked it. I'll get more. I'll do this. And then it's quiet. And then you don't get anything. And then you maybe get a really nice email from someone to say, "We really like you. We want to cast you in our next project," but that was three months ago and you never hear anything else. Or it's just people see the success and they see you doing good stuff, and they're like, "Oh, Heather's on telly all the time. Cool. Okay, that was nearly a year ago now." And I'm like, "Oh."
Audition Attachment
And I don't— I'm not ungrateful. I do not want to come across as like not appreciating that. But it is just weird when everyone sees the positive stuff, but in reality you're like, there's— it's been very quiet and there's nothing. And even if, like, you can feel a lot of times I'm like, nothing's going well. What do I need? What am I doing wrong? Where do I need to go? What can I do to help this? And all of a sudden you get something, you're like, "Great, amazing. Let's go, hit the ground running. Do the tape. Send it off. Wow. Feeling really good." And because I'm personally not getting a lot, I find myself getting attached to auditions because you're like, "This is my only chance. I might not get another chance for two months. I have to put my all into this. I'm thinking about where I'm going to be and how the logistics and how I'm going to get there and what it's going to be like." And then you never hear anything and you're like, "Okay, let's just forget it ever happened." But there is that inside you to be like, I really wanted that, and I'm disappointed. And because it was my only one in ages, it just— I think it— I don't— I obviously don't know what the other people are like when they're getting loads all the time and how that is, obviously. And I can imagine getting loads and loads and then getting more rejection and then maybe feeling more run down. So obviously I can't speak about that side, but I do get quite attached, and that is something I'm working on trying to not be as attached to the auditions.
Get Over It And Do The Next Thing
The creating your own opportunities is, I find that, like, a difficult thing to kind of get my head around because it's like you have to actively do something or make something or find something. For me, with not getting attached to auditions, definitely still working on it. I think I've got a really good friend who's not an actor, and I've met her since being out of drama school, and she's very much like, "Heather, you haven't— like, you haven't got it. Don't get attached. I don't want you to get your hopes up." So having people that ground you, I think, is fab. I've just— I don't know. Knowing that I think I feel quite secure in knowing that something has to happen. I see it as like I have so many pieces of a puzzle everywhere, and I have so many random people that I've worked with or that I know or that I've kind of connected with or I enjoy working with kind of all over, and I'm like, surely at some point it's got to go right. Like, surely it has to. And I'm not thinking about if it doesn't. And also, I just think finding ways to be creative outside of the traditional acting. So in my work they do a lunch and learn, and every month someone talks about something to do with business. So people have like a finance chat or how fitness can help you in your business or how this can help you in the business. And I knew the photographer there who does some of the marketing, and I was like, why don't we do one together about how to get a good headshot for your business? So I somehow ended up talking to a bunch of corporate people about how to get a good headshot. And I was like, all I know is through what I've learned in getting headshots and being in front of a camera. And now I'm talking to corporate people about it, which felt weird and random, but also I was really proud of myself. I was really proud of getting up in front of a room of these important people and doing that. And I also think getting up in front of important people is different for everyone because someone was like, "Oh, Heather, like you're good at that." I was like, "Okay, sure." But if it was a group of casting directors or directors or agents, then I'd be [__] myself. But because they're not people that are kind of important to me in a business sense or in a sense of like these are my friends, it was fine. I'm talking to people that I really like and I know, but not people that can maybe give me acting opportunities. So I felt more relaxed and they were like, "I'm really impressed. How did you do that?" I just did it because I don't know. It was something I enjoyed talking about. And then finding— I kind of lost the question, but I don't have any coping mechanisms. I just get over it and do the next thing.
Getting Into The Camera Comfort Zone
The first time I had my headshots done, we— it was just after COVID. We were outside because it was like social distancing. I didn't know the photographer; my friend knew her. I didn't know her. I'd never had my photos taken before. I'd never been in front of a camera actually, and I didn't know how to pose. You look at them and I'm like, I don't know. My arm is like in a strange place because she told me to put it there, or like I was so— I felt like I had to have them done and I had to do it. And I did it and I was proud that I did it, but you can see that I was nervous. And then maybe I'm trying to— I'll take a picture on my own in my room, or I'll like do it in the garden and my dad will just take a picture of me because you need photos of yourself, obviously. And then obviously you talk to people and you go to drama school and you meet people that maybe are training as an actor but don't go down the actor route and are photographers or filmmakers, and they've started a photography business. And you feel comfortable with them because they're your friends. So then you can learn how to be in front of the camera and learn that way, and not everyone has that. And I definitely was lucky that in both drama schools, in both of the years, people started headshot businesses, which I don't know how common that is. But I was able to be comfortable with them, and then through drama school I'd have more experience being in front of a camera and getting more comfortable. And it does feel like initially when you put the camera there it's like, "Oh, yep, okay, don't look at it. Okay." Like, it's still a bit of a boom, but then you get more comfortable when you know where you are. You learn the room, you see how you look, and you just— yeah, I feel I get more comfortable and more confident. And I think it's also confidence in how, for me, how I look. Like, my hair has changed a lot over the years. I've learned how to deal with my hair, and I've learned what I like, and I've learned what I look good in. And I still do panic a bit on what to wear in headshots and what actually looks like me, because you hear so many casting directors like, "I've got a screen of headshots. I'm just scanning through them, and if yours doesn't stand out, well then tough." I'm like, "Okay, well then I need to wear a really bright colour, but like what if it's too bright and too distracting? And what if it clashes with my hair? But then what about my blue eyes?" And then there's so many factors, and you're like, it's like you can kind of never win. You can never win with everyone. You can't impress everyone. So getting comfortable with knowing that as well. And you can always change them around, and you can always move different ones. I don't love the one that's my main headshot at the moment. It feels very— I don't think it really looks like me, or it really kind of shows who I am as a person when you meet me. Very serious and very like— but yeah, I don't know. I think, okay, I'm wary about giving advice to people in drama school because like there's not really any difference between me and them. Like, there's people my age in drama school. There's people wiser than me in drama school.There's people who are older than me that are still worried about how they look. And I'm still worried about how I look sometimes, especially during headshot sessions. So giving advice I feel odd about because I'm not an expert in any way. I don't know what I'm doing. I just be who I am, and I try and just be as natural as I can be. And I do find myself sometimes slipping into this person that I don't know, when I'm like, why am I being like this? Why am I acting like this? And I can't get out of it. And I'm all of a sudden stuck in this random other human that I'm like, I don't know. I don't know who they are. But I just do it. Like, I just— there's no way around it. You've got to get your headshot taken. Take something you're comfortable in. Wake up at 5:00 a.m. and wash your hair, go for a run. Like, do what you know is comfortable to you. That's what I do. It might not work for you, but if you do what you're comfortable with and you know how to get there, you know you're going to be half an hour early, an hour early, that's fine. And if being early, being really, really early makes you more anxious, then don't. Or if waking up crazy early and fixating on your hair makes you really anxious, then don't do that. That's just what I do. And I don't know if my advice will help people because I don't know what their experience is or what their knowledge of the self is or their confidence is. I just— you have to force yourself to do it and, fingers crossed, it comes out well.
I’m Going To Be Really Honest
I definitely go through, like, because personally my auditions are quite sparse. I'll get one. There'll be the adrenaline of it, the love of it, the, "Oh my God. Yay. Woohoo. Congrats. Amazing. Woohoo." And then not hearing anything, and then slowly kind of maybe seeing that someone else got it, or watching your tape back and being, "Why didn't I do that?" or "Why didn't I change this?" And then that was my only chance. It's not, but— and then kind of months later, not months, but well, it could be months later, being like, "Well, I haven't got anything for ages." I'm emailing people, not hearing anything, or I'm— You get, I think I get to a place where I'm like, "What else can I do?" And I could definitely be doing more, definitely. And I could definitely be practicing more and doing more, and I know that. And I think I do beat myself up about that sometimes, but I know that it gets to a point that I just need to reset. I need to be like, "Okay, we're just going to hit it again. Let's just— let's just hit it again." After Christmas this year, I was like, "Okay, let's just— let's start again. Let's email some casting directors. Let's find directors that I really like or these cool people." And I was like, "I'm bored of writing the normal, 'Hi, my name is Heather, this is where I'm from, this is great.' I'm so bored of that, and I'm guessing they are as well." And I wrote a poem. Now I think about it, I'm kind of embarrassed by it, but I wrote a poem that was— I cannot remember it, but it all rhymed, and it was really cringey, and it was not very long. And it was just saying, "Hi, really want to work with you. This is what I've done." And trying to make it rhyme was quite interesting. Get in touch. And I got some, actually, that did a lot more than the normal email did because I got some people being like, "Love this. Great. Thank you." Or like, "Thanks, Heather." And I was like, "Oh my God, I'm actually getting stuff back." I haven't done that since because I am a little bit embarrassed by that. But then even if that doesn't go anywhere, I've brought a little bit of joy to their day, hopefully, and done something different But yeah, loads are definitely— I went to a casting director workshop. Love them. I find them really helpful and really fun. And I love— it's my first time watching strangers act in person, because you've always been around the same 30 people, and all of a sudden you're sitting next to other actors and there's other new people doing scripts that you're like, "Oh, I wouldn't do it like that. That's so interesting." I love watching people. And I did a theatre one, which was really fun. And we got up and she was like, "Okay, how is everyone feeling about the industry right now?" And we go around, we say a little bit, and people are like, "Really great. Really positive, really exciting." Most positive things. And I go, I'm like, "Okay, I'm going to be really honest." And she was like, "One word." I was like, "Jealousy." And everyone was like— they're like, "Thank you for being honest." I was like, "Well, I'm not going to lie." Because in that moment, I did feel like everyone was getting stuff and I felt like they were getting it so easy. They weren't, but that's how it felt. And it felt like everyone was getting all these auditions and having all these opportunities and being so active in the industry, and I wasn't. And they probably felt like that as well, and they probably also felt overwhelmed by things. Everyone does. But you do find yourself feeling a little bit alone in that feeling. And I do think people are scared to talk to other people about how they're feeling because they— like, I remember in drama school, you didn't talk to anyone about your agent emails or your meetings because you were like, well, yeah, but— I found it was more that I didn't want to upset someone, or I didn't want— for them, it's that you don't want to talk to, I find that you don't want to talk to other actors or your actor friends about acting and the industry. I find it because you don't know what position they're in because you haven't spoken to them. So, you don't want to talk about you getting loads of auditions. You're going to upset the other person, and they're then embarrassed and confused as to why they're not. Even if you're a completely different casting type, which I have to remind myself, they're getting loads, but they can play a guitar and sing really well and they're a man and I can do none of that. But you also don't want to talk about it because you don't want to go, "Oh, I didn't get anything from that." And they're like, "Oh, I did." But they're not saying that as a friend— but it's so complicated, that conversation. I find, anyway. I find it difficult to not walk away feeling maybe disappointed in myself and/or disappointed that the other person isn't getting something. I think it's a really hard conversation to have, and it's really difficult to be honest about where you are without kind of showing off a little bit or underplaying it and then going, "But it's fine, you'll get this." It's such a difficult conversation to have. But yeah, jealousy has been a big thing for me, and I know that. And I'm— it's definitely gotten a lot better, a thousand times better recently. It's still— I need to get better at it, and I know that, but that feeling is kind of always there.
Highs And Lows
Okay, highs for the last year. Obviously, graduating was fabulous and amazing, and I'm very proud I did that, and I'm very proud that I got there and it happened, and it's a great day. Obviously, eBay was fabulous, and getting there was— I was a walk-on. There were six walk-ons, and I'm the only one you can see. And I was like, somehow I got to the front. And I credit my hair for that, I have to say, because if I didn't have this look, I wouldn't get a lot of the things that I have gotten, which sounds so stupid. Like, what other industry is it when you're like, "My hair got me that, bro?" Like, what? I remember having agent meetings and I got four offers for agencies. Great. Amazing. Very proud of that. All of them at the end, they're like, "Do you have any questions?" I was like, "Yeah, like why me? Like, why are you after me specifically? Why have you asked to meet me?" And all of them were like, "Obviously you've got great training. You look great on camera. The screen is great, but like your look and your hair." I was like, "Okay, nice. Thanks. Thanks, Mum and Dad, for that.” So yeah, eBay was fantastic. And then the day after eBay, I was filming a voiceover for a student animation film. Now, I've actually never heard from them since, and I've never seen it or gotten it or seen anything from that. But that's okay. It was a really cool experience, and it was very fun to play these animals and try to inhabit it through my voice, and to do that, and to have filmed an eBay advert and then a voiceover in two days, I was like, "This— I'm living the high life." That was a great week. Felt amazing, very confident in all of that. And then this year, a couple of months ago, I did my first TV audition. It was a self-tape, so I wasn't in person, but it was like— this is my first ever one apart from adverts. It was for a TV series, and I was like, "Oh, it's my first ever one. This is really exciting." It was only one line, but I did two takes and I felt really cool. Loved how it looked. Felt very proud of that. Got too attached. Always sad when I didn't hear anything back, but I've wanted to be seen by that casting team for ages. And then seeing them at the bottom of the email, I was like, "Wow, they've picked me. They've seen me. They've now seen my face. I've gotten in there." And I was very proud of that. And I was proud that I did a good job with it. And I felt confident in that. I got a really nice email from someone saying that they really loved— "You're not getting the job this time, but we really like you and we're going to keep you for future." I was like, "Great." Like, yeah, it's a rejection, but I much prefer getting a rejection rather than hearing nothing. I think hearing nothing is like— because it's still there, right? Even though you know you've not got it because it's been ages, it's like it's still there, and it's still— I much prefer hearing something, even if it's a, "Sorry, no." That's fine. And then I'm really proud of myself for starting this account. I was like, I needed— I think I was getting a little bit like what I was saying earlier. I don't have any concrete goals, or I don't have anything that I'm working towards, and I needed, a little selfishly, a little passion project and something that's mine that I could grow and work on and understand myself more and learn. And then getting really nice messages from it and being like, "I love this, and thank you so much for doing this." And then I've had people ask me questions about things and texting me saying like, "Thank you for being so honest about this and being very quite vulnerable about it.” I think my mum's read a couple because I've sent her them. She's not on Instagram. And she's like, "Heather, this is really brave," and it is— some of what I've said is quite vulnerable. And it doesn't feel like that because I type it and then post it, and then it's out. It's not like I'm— maybe if I was speaking and filming myself, it would feel a bit more vulnerable. And I do think I want to start making more like the video side of it, but scary. But I'm very proud of kind of getting my thoughts out there and being honest, and even if it is a little bit too honest or wrong. And it's also the first time that I've not cared about spelling mistakes. I'm awful with spelling. There are a million spelling mistakes in there, but I've actually kind of been like, I'm good with that because this is who— this is like my stuff. It's mine. And then getting good reactions is lovely. It's really nice. And just talking about myself, that sounds quite selfish. What else? Highs. I'm quite proud of— I'm moving in a couple of months to London. And it's the first time that I'm not— it's the first time that I'm not moving with an intention. I've always moved for school, where you've got an automatic friend group given to you. You've got an automatic schedule, a place you're going to be, accommodation, friends. It's all there, given to you. And this is the first time where I'm moving and it's like I have to make the effort. I need to get a job. I need to make friends. I need to not just sit on my own in my room, and I actually need to do something. And sometimes I'm like, is this a mistake? Am I leaving what I know and what I'm comfortable with? And should I really be doing this? But I know I've gotten quite complacent, and I'm not emailing as many people as I should, or I'm not emailing casting calls on Instagram that I could be grateful for, and I'm not meeting new people. I'm stuck in my go to the gym, go to work, go home. I'm very stuck in that, and I think I do need a shake-up. And I know it will be scary and lonely, and freak— it will freak me out a little bit, but I'm proud that I am doing it and I'm pushing myself to make something and try again. And kind of like I was speaking to someone about it yesterday, and they said, "You have to be obsessed. You have to be weirdly obsessed, and you have to go crazy getting all of these things, and you need to go for it." And it is nice that I have people that know I need to kind of do that, and I know they know that it is the right decision, and they know that it is a good thing to do. And I'm proud that I'm doing it, but it's going to be scary, but that's okay.
